I wanted to try writing a story from a second person point of view and now I understand why people don’t usually do that. Here’s the story.

Ugh, let’s get this over with quickly, OK, squirrelbrain? Actually, that would be an insult to squirrels since they’re adorably quite good at remembering their buried nuts, but knowing you, I’ll give you the recap that you desperately need. I mean, it’s been a few years, so no offense!

Anyways, let’s start with me. Ah yes, me. I’m the most talented, powerful, stylish, creative, and insufferable magical kawaii anime girl in the entire magical universe of Narpity Narp, descended from an impeccable, highly inbred lineage, master of all elements including polonium, and even squirrels know that. And I always knew that. I’m the very best, after all. Hey you, stop looking at me like that! But for the first 15 years of my life, I was, sad to admit it, but the total laughingstock of my family! Can you believe it? My parents paraded me from doctor to doctor like I was a terminally ill cancer patient, trying to figure out why I didn’t have any magical powers, but I’ll tell you, they were all idiots. Unlike me, of course.

So imagine you have a cute little squirrel, OK? And let’s say it’s trying to fall asleep. Not cause of me, of course. So you know how it’s hard to fall asleep if you’re actively trying to fall asleep? Or how if you try to make yourself laugh, it’s not like real laughing? Or how it’s hard to swallow a pill if you try hard to swallow it? Oh, or how opening a banana by snapping it in half becomes much harder if you intensely mentally focus on it? Wait what, you think it’s weird to open a banana down the middle? No it’s not! You’re the real weirdo!

Anyways, my magical powers are kinda like that, but a thousand times harder to unleash. I have a few fond memories of being in the zone, lost in playing the piano or something, and then boom! Electrocuted medium rare piano, right there! Or half the house would be frozen in a giant iceberg or something. Anyways, I eventually realized I could only unleash my magical powers in the extremely rare case when my mind was completely void of any thoughts of using my powers. So yeah, I screamed that to my parents and they looked at me like I’d figured out how to give myself more birth defects, and then I got thrown into hospice care and disowned. Hooray. Hey you, stop laughing! This isn’t supposed to be funny!

You! That’s when I met you. While bumbling around the medical facility, trying to find the nearest snack dispenser. So picture this, I’m following a trail of colorful EpiPens, and guess what’s at the end? Not a benevolent deity of sugary diabetes fuel, but a mute anime magical girl of the same age in an out-of-style hospital gown holding a rainbow EpiPen staring blankly back at me. You. I made a flying leap towards your EpiPen to try it out myself, since it looked cooler than you, and shazam! Bingo! We got struck by lightning, and all the hospital staff had diarrhea for the next week. Look, I can’t control my magical powers, OK? It’s just whatever comes out!

Anyways, I’d struck gold. A doctor, between fits of vomiting, told me that you had an unprecedented, astonishing magical power: the ability to have a terrifying, agonizing allergic reaction to nuts just by thinking about them! That’s exactly what I needed, squirrelbrain! You’d have allergic reactions randomly, unpredictably and totally out of the blue, and if we were touching each other, the hives all over your skin would always jolt a magical reaction out of me too while I jab you with an EpiPen to prevent you from dying! Yes yes yes yes yes yes YEEESSS!

I now had everything I needed to change the world, but first I needed to make some serious money. Because after all, we were now a machine for converting EpiPens into money, and we’d be idiots to not use it. The opportunities were everywhere: winning all sorts of competitions (sometimes I accidentally obliterated the other team, in a literal sense), sponsorships from the EpiPen manufacturer, giving inspirational talks, and getting undisowned. You never said a word, but I guess you were having fun, in between the infinite EpiPen injections? When you wanted to communicate with me, which you rarely did, you drew vibrant, beautiful paintings which made me want to gouge my eyes out. Squirrelbrained Idiot.

One night a month later, we went to a sketchy fast food place at midnight after staying up too late doing sports betting on the competition we were gonna win the next day, and no one told me this, but that place at 1 AM is actually a portal to an equally sketchy McDonald’s on planet Earth! Earth, can you believe it? I’ve only heard about Earth in raps.

Earth is a weird place. No one complimented my outfit, and I kept on getting dumb questions about if I was a cosplayer. Cosplayer? No, I’m the real deal! And we might have accidentally decimated a few buildings and caused a mini-hurricane, because soon, the place was swarming with these dudes with puny automatic weapons who were trying to cosplay as heroes. The National Guard, huh? Of course there’s not a problem that my magic couldn’t solve, so before I knew it, you and all the National Guard were all magically converted into Chinese nationals, passports and legal stuff and all. I guess you got thrown in as a buy-one-get-one-free deal. Gah, dumb magical powers, always doing the one thing I don’t want!

I needed you to get one last allergic reaction, to finish those guys off, but I waited. And waited. And the National Guard started bickering about whether or not their inexplicable passport transformation was legally valid or not, or whether they should deport themselves to mainland China, and you just wouldn’t have an allergic reaction! When is the allergic reaction when I need it? Where are the hives? The screaming? The pain?

And finally, you spoke. Spoke! What is this blasphemy! You said, and it’s permanently etched in the back of my skull now, “Thanks. Thank you so much for freeing me. You pushed me forward through countless hours of pain until I could finally control and eradicate my magical power. I’ve never been able to talk since talking causes me to think of talking about nuts which causes me to think about nuts which causes me to enter a world of allergies and pain. But now I’m resistant to nuts, thanks to you.”

And I said, “F-CK YOU!!!!” and deported all you idiots to mainland China.

I was disoriented as hell. It took me so, so long to find my way home. Things that I’d done with ease days before, like extortion, were now excruciating. When I got back, everyone offered me their condolences like I’d died of cancer. I felt like I’d been reincarnated as an idiot. You know how I’d accidentally witnessed my powers a few times before meeting you? Welp, that never happened again. My powers must have been eradicated too.

But since then I’ve had a nagging feeling in me. I need to tell you something. Thanks. Thanks for freeing me. I’ve broken free of destiny and now no one treats me like an idiot, or a genius, since they treat me like I’m an undead retiree. I can finally pursue my real passions, like baking without nuking the cake and swimming in my pool of cash. Thanks.

Hey, why are you grabbing my hand? Wait, you’re giving me an EpiPen? Now what do you think you’re–GAAAAAHHHHH WHY IS THE BUILDING SIMULTANEOUSLY ON FIRE AND BEING HIT BY A COOKING OIL TSUNAMI??? Wait, my hands… You’re still capable of inducing your power on demand? What? I thought it was gone for good! You dirty little squirrelbrain liar, why didn’t you–