Note: These ratings are probably not accurate anymore, especially since Maseeh has improved infinitely and is no longer a biohazard.

Few topics are as controversial, emotionally riveting, and politically flavored as the Five Great Dining Halls of MIT, namely New Vassar, Baker, Next House, McCormick, and Simmons (screw you, Maseeh). Countless critics have perished in their valiant attempts to tame the dragon that is MIT dining, but I have persevered and lived to tell you this tale. Let’s get started!

But before we begin, we need to be very, very scientific and introduce a scientifically-proven rating system. We will rate dining halls and their grub in the interval (-∞, -∞) (usually [0, 14]), where the rating is the amount of money I would pay to eat an infinite supply of that food for one meal. For instance, pork intestines are -100 because you would have to pay me $100 to eat only pork intestines for a meal. Simple as that. In addition, we commonly refer to foods below 7 as “acidic” and those above 7 as “basic” (since basic foods are based). Highly scientific, you see.

First up is New Vassar. Not too much to say about it. It has sandwiches. The sandwiches are a solid 9. Just remember, do not get your sandwich toasted at all costs! It melts the cheese into a non-Newtonian fluid! Even if someone tells you they’ll give you all pset answers on the one condition that you toast your sandwich, do not get it toasted (because what kind of idiot would give you that kind of deal? They’re obviously part of the global non-Newtonian fluid lobbyist organization). Avoid this at all costs!

Next up: Baker. Rumor says that Baker has a great breakfast. As with all rumors, this is totally false. 5.

Maseeh. Oh, Maseeh.

Maseeh operates on a weekly rotation, so every Monday, they have the same exact stuff. Well, almost the same exact stuff, plus or minus a few slices of pizza. Mondays are actually fine. Wednesdays are bad. Thursdays are bad. Fridays are bad. Saturdays are bad. Sundays are bad.

Hmmm, did I miss something?

Well, we don’t talk about Maseeh Tuesdays.

Wait, you want to know why? OK fine, here’s why. And don’t complain about being scarred for life after hearing this. You have been warned.

Maseeh Tuesdays are Earth’s constant-factor approximation of hell. Maseeh Tuesdays prove that there is no justice in the universe, only evil and suffering. Eating Maseeh Tuesdays is like taking a bubble bath in pure sulfuric acid. That’s how acidic it is. Actually no, it’s way worse. There’s this superacid called helonium that consists of hydrogen bonded to helium so that this molecule instantly donates a proton, giving it a pH of around -50. Maseeh Tuesdays are way more acidic than that. In fact, for any finitely acidic food you can name, Maseeh Tuesdays are probably worse than that.

So yeah. Other classic Maseeh traps to avoid: 1) The pizzas, which they paint grease on top of using a paintbrush. 2) The yellow rice, which tastes like detergent, because everyone who gets it immediately vomits and throws the rest of their rice away, so Maseeh collects all the thrown away rice and washes it and serves it next week. 3) The chicken, which sometimes tastes like it was cut out of a rubber chicken mask. 4) The frozensets (ice cream), which have hair and fingerprints inside them. 5) The bananas, which are always segfaulting. 6) The sandcastle deserts, which tastes like fresh silica harvested from a Boston beach. Rating: -∞.

The only redeeming thing about Maseeh is by far is its oyster crackers. And that brings us to Next House, formerly home to the world’s finest oyster crackers before suffering the Great Oyster Cracker Extinction Event. And yes, that extinction was human-induced. Darn, we really need to protect the environment.

Next House is probably the best, mainly because the competition is so terrible. There’s stir-fry, which is sort of the holy grail of MIT dining, because it’s a solid 9 and is exceptionally difficult to come across unless you follow three simple steps. 1) Check the serial liar Carbon Appetite online menu to make sure there’s stir-fry today. Go to Next Dining at 5:25, 5:47, or 7:47. 3) Wait for 15 minutes. 4) Profit. 5) (optional) Get kicked out of Next Dining because you tried to put a giant leaf twice the size of the pan in your stir-fry.

This has spawned the “Three Stir-fry Challenge” (not to be confused with the lesser “Three Fry Challenge”), which is basically eat three full plates of stir-fry without dying in a single meal. It’s only been completed half of a time so far. Who knows, maybe you’ll be the first to actually complete it!

Now back to oyster crackers. As terrible as MIT dining sounds, each dining halls has some escape hatches so you don’t have to go hungry, including oranges, cereal, oyster crackers, and POG juice. Highly recommended. Unfortunately, the supply of escape hatches at Next has been overfished, so oyster crackers are currently extinct there until the dining staff attempts a species revival project. Overall, Next is a 9.

Next! (not the dining hall) McCormick is right next to Maseeh, so always go there instead of Maseeh if you have the choice. Not much is known about it though. 8.

Simmons is far away and not worth walking to. 6.

And there you have it. A totally unbiased and factually accurate and scientific hangry guide to MIT dining. Enjoy!